I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
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Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.