I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
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My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings