A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
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If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I only look at Wordle for the articles
A double negative is a big no-no.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Check out the legs on this baby
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?