I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
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If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.