On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
You Might Also Like
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring