Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
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*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.