Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
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5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I didn’t realize that was an option
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”