Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
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A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
This trial is so absurd 😭
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Still laughing at this stupid meme
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…