I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
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Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.