I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
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A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
then why did i get this email
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.