Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
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The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.