the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
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I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot