[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
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I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
How about daylight saves us for once
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?