Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
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Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂