*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
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Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.