I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
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Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Do not steal food from the science building!
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
May never get over this
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!