[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
You Might Also Like
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.