Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
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*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.