It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
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jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Happy Taco Tuesday
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
May never get over this
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!