Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
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I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
house sitting!
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
How about daylight saves us for once
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.