It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
You Might Also Like
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband