Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
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[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
My patience has stretch marks.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house