What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
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Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
There’s never enough good news
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites