i am:
鈿笍 a man
鈿笍 a woman
馃敇 at a family get togetherlooking for:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 a way out
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*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she鈥檚 holding a clipboard*
god dammit
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I鈥檓 overweight
D: Yes, I see you鈥檝e a very healthy appetite. OK, let鈥檚 talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How鈥檇 it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Mhm.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how鈥檚 this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
I鈥檝e finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I鈥檓 44 & a total moron 馃檪
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Oh kids, don鈥檛 worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we鈥檙e going to be late for church.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn鈥檛 fit in my main handbag
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don鈥檛 know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise