coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
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When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.