I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
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[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.