Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
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Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
😂🤣😂🤣
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.