When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
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as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!