Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
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My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I see your IQ test came back negative
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.