[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
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what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
peeping toms
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.