Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
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If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Breaking news:
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.