“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
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*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
my mind
You just read my mind
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased