“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
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Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down