I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
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Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.