A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
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“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.