Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
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HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The first matador
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.