Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
😂💯
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
My dream job is getting paid to dream
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
shut up and take my money
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.