I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
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Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
finally
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.