*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
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If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Haha good job!!
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.