What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
πππ
You Might Also Like
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter youβre like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and youβre like wow he loves me so so much
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
A choir of Spring onions
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then weβll talk
Hi, Iβm Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
βDo I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?β I axe myself
Back in my day we didnβt have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Twitter fine art
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?