Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
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bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum