This raises questions
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Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich