Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
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Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!