What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
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*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.