My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
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[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
FRED: right
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.