My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too