My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
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[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.