ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
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i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?