“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
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Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”