I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
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Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I already tried new things thanks.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.